"Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. We're all going to die. Come watch TV."

"What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is: Don't think about it."

"Weddings are basically funerals with cake.""

"It's like the N word and the C word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews."

“I wish that shotgun was my penis.”